I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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