i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
