yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
