Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
