I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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