I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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