I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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