people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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