Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
