I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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