I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
