As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
