In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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