Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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