you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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