When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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