I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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