kristin has been a bad kristin
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
