im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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