Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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