Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
