Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
how does that bad decision feel?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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