Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
