I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
