Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
