shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
