mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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