The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
