My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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