I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
