Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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