I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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