I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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