you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
