Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
