We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
