i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
