The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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