its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
