I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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