Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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