the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
