Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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