I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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