Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
