its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
