do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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