She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
