He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
