Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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