U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Mom said you looked used
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
