yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
